Meet Your Douchebag Dreamboat!

In the interest of helping women connect with really exciting men, I would like to suggest periodic “prison release mixer” parties.

The investing promoters would arrange to inform guests of the local Big Houses about upcoming mixers, as a public service; local women would be similarly informed. Women could thus meet large numbers of thrillingly fresh ex-convicts, still secreting their manly prison ambience, all at once, in a convenient and discreet location.

The investors would be repaid exclusively by fees collected from the women, of course. I envision a kind of free initial entry for women during which they are assured of anonymity and discretion, but only get to glance at and perhaps have brief conversations with a few of the men; if interested, they would pay their hefty entrance fee, sign an indemnity, and be allowed to enter. Each party would admit as many women as could be legally squeezed into the building; if they greatly outnumber the available men, that’s fine as well. They would have to compete for the men’s attention, and that would only add to the exciting party atmosphere.

This idea may seem merely satirical or facetious, but I seriously believe there is real money to be made here. Thanks to evolutionary psychology, sociobiology, and the most articulate defenders of Game (including the peerless Roissy) there are now growing numbers of people who understand what kinds of sexual incentives women actually respond to, as opposed to what they claim to respond to. Smart, enterprising, and ideologically unencumbered men and women (in fact, I believe that any grouping of the most successful promoters of such mixers would always include a number of women) are already putting this knowledge to good use, as they have always done of course. This plan is merely my modest contribution to the increasingly profitable business of giving women what they really want.

This sort of fee-charging mixer perhaps has other possibilities; all you need is the right sort of men. Gangs of various kinds, drug-treatment halfway houses, and boxing and martial-arts outfits seem obvious places to look; indeed, any place or institution where the semi-criminal underclass (as the late, great Auberon Waugh liked to call it) is well represented, would all be promising.

 

Finally, a few speculations and ideas, and now I feel on less solid ground because of my own inadequate grasp of the psychology of women; comments from wiser heads are welcome.

— These men, if promoted savvily, will naturally attract many more women than they can handle; how could profit and client satisfaction be maximized? Perhaps the willingness of women to share alpha males would save the day, financially speaking.

— In the ex-con mixers, the women’s personal appearance may be much more of a factor than in letter-writing-to-prisoners scenarios. To avoid immediate disappointment — and hence resulting negative word-of-mouth — women should perhaps not be encouraged to attend unless they feel confident enough about their attractiveness not to be intimidated by the presence of significant numbers of OTHER attractive women.

— In addition to a coat-check, a wedding-ring check could be provided (for those women still in the grip of self-delusion until the final moment. In fact I suspect the very presence of a wedding-ring check would add to the thrill).

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